Monday, November 29, 2010

Hope and Race Cars

It's an exciting time of year at the moment.  There are shiny, twinkling things everywhere, it is making me a little high.  It's not too bad, I have to be conscious to control it though, like a race car.  It's ok to accelerate up the straights but I've got to rein it in 'round the corners or risk spinning out of control. 
I allow myself to enjoy it to a limit, I was driving into town yesterday, "All I want is you" by U2 was playing on the radio, a sensation of pressure built in my chest, beautiful emotion. It was grey, heavily overcast but way off in the distance in front of me was a gap, revealing the palest blue of the sky.  "Hope!" I thought.  I've always had hope and usually it is the natural world that reminds me time and time again that Hope lives and I am secure.  Unfortunately the medication that I take for my Bipolar, although it slows my mind enough to function, it can make me feel that my hope has been amputated.  It is a very odd feeling, perhaps I've been confusing the extreme positivity of hypomania with hope all along.
I'm in the midst of breakthrough hypomania at the moment, it's slight compared to how I was before and I'm quite thankful that I have broken through because only weeks ago I had a period of depression that featured the before mentioned amputated hope.  I've had depressions before but for the last 10 years or so, they have been so mild I've hardly noticed, and I never lost my hope for the future.  Doc Wolf thinks my meds might not be quite right for me and we will probably change them after the holidays
In the meantime, I have been buying beautiful gifts and not overspending too much.  I have a dinner to go to in a couple of days with my two best friends and I'm just so excited!  So excited that I feel I need to take measures against letting that race car swing too far out on the corners.  I need to drink less coffee, read quietly during the day and be mindful.  Perhaps I should also hand out this card-







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