Sunday, August 25, 2013

Day 1: Ambivalence

Day 1,  25th August.

"Ambivalence is part of every human relationship."
(A Year of Living Your Yoga, Judith Hanson Lassater Phd.)

Last night I was reading news articles online.  I was drawn to a picture of a large bodied woman being interviewed for a tv show, I turned to my husband and was about to say "Look at this poor woman!"  when I caught myself.  I recognised I was not going to say it from a place of compassion.  I was going to say it from a place of judgement.  I kept my mouth shut, but immediately was overcome with a sense of guilt and confusion.  

I can see today that it was a case of Ambivalence, it's simply easier to respond to things with judgement or  to not acknowledge them at all. To really feel ambivalence means to face up to your mixed feelings, to see yourself truthfully through your relationships- to yourself, to others, to your thoughts. 

My yoga today was to do five rounds of Sun Salutations.  I tried to keep ambivalence in mind as I practiced.  I watched myself, and my Inner Nag kept up a pretty steady monologue- "I can't bend forward much.", " I can't hold plank very well.",  "This feels quite uncomfortable."  Sun Salutations feel pretty good unless you're completely distracted by that kind of self talk!  I watched my ambivalence about the lack of "perfection" of my poses, I just tried to relax and watch.  To accept the ambivalence.  I began to open up and see that each time I did a pose it was different from the time before, but that was ok.  I was where I was supposed to be and that was fine.

So today's exercise was well worth it!  Now I have one more thing to add to my list of "Things to Practice".
"Feel the Ambivalence and sit with it anyway."

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